22 Things I Can’t Help With (But I’m So Glad You Asked)

Double rainbow all the way across the sky!
What does it mean?
(image: Tim Kelley, license: CC BY-ND 2.0)

I started this blog in 2011 and yesterday I finally reached the milestone of 250,000 views. To celebrate and reflect, I thought I’d scour my usage statistics for insight. What brings people to my website? What are they doing here? What am I doing here? Like, what does it all mean, man?

First off, it’s clear that most people come to The Art Of Troubleshooting in the midst of a on-going problem. They’re asking questions in the form “How do I troubleshoot/repair/fix  X?” This is by far the most common type of search that leads people to this website. Some actual examples:

  • “Toshiba laptop troubleshooting”
  • “water heater repair”
  • “fix Windows Update”

Helping people solve their real-world problems is what my writing is all about. Seeing the daily churn of what is plaguing people, at this particular moment in their lives, is fascinating. I hope they find my methods to be useful, giving them the confidence to fix whatever stands in the way of their goals.

Of course, this is the Internet. That means, in addition to people looking for help with laptops, water heaters, and cars, they’re also searching for things…that maybe I can’t help with. On that note, I present to you:

Some Funny And Strange Search Terms Leading People To The Art Of Troubleshooting

1. “my juicer is troubleshooting”

You’ve reached the next level when your appliances attempt to fix their own problems.

2. “baking buns troubleshooting”

Anything that includes the word “buns” is an automatic shoo-in for a best-of list. Did this person figure out how to handle those…HOT…buns?

3. “how i can fix my troubleshooting”

This is so meta. Who watches the watchers? Who troubleshoots the troubleshooters?! Mind. Blown.

4. “troubleshooting my sex life”

I hope they didn’t stumble upon my article titled “Team Spirit” and get the wrong idea. Perhaps all that was needed was to “Plug It In.”

5. “troubleshooting with cheese”

Please note that this person isn’t troubleshooting their cheese. That’s reassuring because cheese, as long as it’s kept refrigerated and eaten before the expiration date, tends to be problem-free. No, this person wants to problem-solve with cheese. We know that “everything’s better with cheddar,” so I heartily support this idea.

6. “tissues with troubleshooting”

Sometimes, a problem brings you to tears. There there, fellow troubleshooter. Take care.

7. “my troubleshoot is not working it have problems and i don’t no how to fix it”

I got nothing.

8. “how to troubleshoot a whacker?”

Have you tried giving it a whack?

9. “seduce repair worker for sex”

Well, well, well. What do we have here? Someone clearly isn’t satisfied with what’s included in the standard hourly rate.

10. “fix the problem”

This isn’t a search, it’s a command! To see if Google secretly added a “do my bidding” feature, I tried entering “lose 20 pounds” and “teleport to Paris” in the search box. Dear reader, I am still here, and I’m still working on my love handles.

11. “airbus 320 troubleshooting”

I hope this search was made while safely on the ground. In the air, I’d get out the checklist!

12. “how to repair faulty ice cream scoop”

That isn’t a troubleshooting problem, it’s a bona fide crisis!

13. “trubelshoting” “trabalshuter” “troublesyuting” “troubledhoot” etc.

Google’s suggestion service is amazing. Miraculously, these misspellings (and many other variations) all made it to my site. Did you mean…dictionary?

14. “pacemaker troubleshooting”

I’m going to go ahead and recommend some professional help for this one (aka, a doctor). Please see “Know Your Limits.”

15. “troubleshooting cherry”

It’s a fruit. You eat it. Or not. No troubleshooting.

16. “masterbatch poracity troubleshooting”

This sounded naughty, but it’s actually got something to do with plastics.

17. “troubleshooting table of contents”

Usually, there’s no moving parts in…a list of chapters. Am I missing something here?

18. “the trouble”

Good sir or madam, don’t go looking for trouble. It will find you.

19. “how to troubleshoot windows slow”

Yeah, this can’t be fixed. Ha ha, I just couldn’t resist what is likely the oldest form of IT joke.

20. “wicket troubleshooting”

I’ve met many cricket fans over the years, and they often confess that they don’t really understand the game either. Resolution: not a bug.

21. “how to fix bad karma”

Just be present, dude. Or stop being such a jerk. Either way.

22. “troubleshooting of nuclear power plant”

Operator #1: “I just got an alert on Reactor A.”
Operator #2: “Oh my god! Should we run through the emergency alert response checklist?”
Operator #1: “Nah, let’s just Google it.”

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